


Second Bite of the Apple

by still_lycoris



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Confrontations, Depression, M/M, Manipulation, Time Travel, Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 09:00:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17784443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: Matsuda didn't expect to wake up and find he's travelled back in time two years before Light's death. But now he has, he can fix everything, can't he? All he has to do is get Light to listen to him ...





	Second Bite of the Apple

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ItsPineTime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsPineTime/gifts).



It hadn’t been a great day. Again. But then, Matsuda didn’t think he’d had a great day in a long time. Not since January 28th 2010. 

Work was busy, insanely busy. Crime rates were back up to normal – higher than they used to be, in Matsuda’s opinion. Aizawa had yelled at him when he’d said that though. Said that it wasn’t worse, that it was fine. Matsuda knew that was because Aizawa needed to believe that everything was okay. That getting rid of Light hadn’t made the world worse. That it had all been worth it.

Matsuda wished he could believe that. He wished he could be sure that they’d done the right thing. That they’d let Near do the right thing. He wished that all the pain and sacrifice and loss had been worth it. Sometimes he could. Sometimes he couldn’t.

Today was one of the second days.

He went home – not that there was much there to go home to. There wasn’t much anywhere. He supposed that he was depressed but he didn’t know what to do about it. There didn’t seem much point doing anything about it. It wasn’t like doing things had helped anything much. Doing and hoping only made everything worse. You believed in people and they let you down. They lied to you.

He drank for a bit before going to bed. Probably too much – he always drank too much these days. That didn’t matter either.

He thought he heard a weird noise as he went to sleep but that was all. That was the only sign.

He woke up to the radio playing and knew immediately that something was weird. He didn’t usually use a radio alarm any more, he’d stopped after the Kira case had ended because he never waned to hear the news. And the news wasn’t right. It took him a few bleary seconds to work it out but then he did and he was staring at the radio, completely awake.

In a weird way, Matsuda wasn’t even surprised. Which probably said something about him, no doubt that he was stupid but ... he was so used to weirdness now that really, it was hardly a surprise to open his eyes and slowly realise that somehow, in the night while he’d slept, he’d gone back in time four years.

Four years. It didn’t sound that long when you said it but Matsuda felt like it was almost forever. It was 2008. It was 2008 and the Chief was still alive and Light was still alive and it hadn’t happened, it all hadn’t happened.

Except Light was still Kira. Light had always been Kira, hadn’t he? He was Kira and he was alive and killing people and in one more year, the Chief would die.

He had to do something. He had to change it. Somehow, he had to make it all stop happening It was too late for Ukita and Watari and L but the Chief, he could still be okay, the Chief and Misa and ... and Light ...

But what could he possibly do? How could he possibly fix anything? He was just Matsuda Touta, a stupid idiot who never did the right thing. If it had been any of the others, they would have had a plan. Although actually, thinking about it, their plan would probably just have been to go and shoot Light straight away, not even wait to explain, just do it.

_The smell of the fired gun, the heat of it in his hand, the cold, wet smell of the warehouse mixed with blood, Light screaming -_

No. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t, not again. And, and maybe he didn’t have to. Because it could be different, couldn’t it? He could work it out, he could make it okay. He just needed to think, to _do_ something, something strong ...

It was weird, how much his flat had changed. It was cleaner in this past that he had now returned to. He knew that he’d lost interest in making everything okay in his life since 2010. He’d stopped caring about anything much. He got up, ate, went to work, came home. Drank more than he should, at least according to Ide. Ide worried about him a lot. Aizawa had dragged him aside a few days ago, told him to get a grip, that Aizawa didn’t care if Matsuda ruined his own life and career but he was damned if he’d watch Masuda pull Ide down with him. Masuda wasn’t sure that he absolutely believed Aizawa quite meant it but then, maybe he did. Aizawa had never liked him very much. Thought Matsuda didn’t take anything seriously.

Matsuda was going to prove him wrong. 

His feet knew the way back to Light’s old apartment, despite not having been there for nearly two years. He remembered all the times walking this way, sometimes tired and unenthused, sometimes bouncy and excited, always hoping this would be the day that he did something truly useful, something that would make a genuine difference, something that would make the Chief proud of him, making them _all_ proud of him.

He stumbled through the door and oh God, he’d forgotten how it _smelt,_ that weird tang of Light and Misa living together; perfume and apples and those things that just made people people and you couldn’t ever explain. He hadn’t realise how much he’d missed it and his eyes stung with embarrassing tears and of course, he was late and everyone was staring at him and the Chief, the Chief, the _Chief_ ...

“Matsuda. Are you all right?”

He wanted to throw himself at the Chief. He wanted to cling to him like a child. He’d seen the Chief die, the colour drain out of him, eyes turn glassy, skin turn flat. And now, now the Chief was alive again, standing there, looking at him with that puzzled expression that Matsuda remembered him sometimes wearing, the one where he was thinking Matsuda was doing something strange.

“Matsuda-san, are you sick?” 

Light. Light, staring at him, face concerned, like it mattered to him. Light, Light who he’d also seen dead – not just dead but face twisted in rage, pain, disgust, contempt. Light who had looked more like a monster than Matsuda had ever imagined that he could.

“I’m ... I’m not sick,” he said, hating that his voice sounded a little quivery. “Sorry, it’s just um .. yeah. It’s fine. Really. Don’t worry!”

He managed to fix a cheerful smile on his face and the Chief smiled back. He was still looking a little worried and Matsuda wondered if there were things he could say, all the things he wished he’d be able to say and then couldn’t. Would the Chief had ever forgiven him if he’d ever known what had happened to Light? If he’d known what Matsuda had done, how Matsuda had shot him, screamed at him, not even sat with him as he’d died?

Light was talking about a possible lead. Matsuda couldn’t really remember what had happened with this one, except that it had led to nothing, like all the rest. Well, of course it had, there was nowhere else it could have gone, given that Light was Kira. He found himself listening raptly, not because the words mattered but because hearing Light’s voice again was almost magical. He wasn’t dead. He was what Matsuda had remembered, what Matsuda had always remembered. What he’d wanted him to be and stay and ... oh God, he still couldn’t quite believe it. Still couldn’t quite believe any of it.

He stumbled through the morning, trying to do the work that he’d been asked to do but not able to concentrate on it at all. He found himself looking at Light, trying to see if there were ways of seeing. Now he knew ... was it obvious? _Should_ it have been obvious? Should he have realised all along?

But Light was ... Light. He was friendly and kind and when Aizawa muttered that Matsuda hadn’t actually done anything all morning, Light smiled, said that Matsuda was doing his best. Matsuda supposed that he’d probably been so happy if Light had said that to him in the past. Now ...

“Matsuda, come and buy lunch with me,” the Chief ordered when the time came and Matsuda obeyed instantly, just like he always would have, except that now, it was even more important because he hadn’t been alone with the Chief for ... because the Chief had died ...

“Now,” the Chief said as they walked. “What’s the matter?”

“N-nothing, Chief.”

“That’s not true. I know you, Matsuda. Tell me what’s wrong.”

The Chief sounded so _kind_ and Matsuda could feel tears in his eyes again. God, he was being pathetic, such a baby but ... but the Chief had been dead and now he wasn’t and Matsuda needed to get a grip on himself if he wanted to change this but ...

“It’s nothing. Honestly, Chief. I just ... had a bad dream and ... it got to me, I guess. But I’m okay. You don’t need to worry!”

“But I do.” The Chief sounded quiet, sad. When Matsuda looked at him, he found himself remembering the day before the Chief’s death, when the Chief had looked broken and old and Matsuda had realised for the first time that his hero might be a human.

“Please don’t,” he whispered. “I promise that I ... I’m okay. Everything’s okay.”

“Okay,” the Chief said. He put his hand on Matsuda’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “All right, Matsuda. Then try to perk up a little, yes? We can’t afford to have you slacking.”

“No Sir. I promise.”

He felt the flutter he’d always felt when the Chief encouraged him, believed in him. The Chief thought he could do well. The Chief thought he could do this. Even though in this case, he didn’t know what _this_ was ...

“Chief, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Do ... do you think you could ever forgive Kira?”

The Chief turned and stared at him. Matsuda stared back, half-regretting the question but also desperate to know.

“ _Forgive_ him?” the Chief said slowly.

“Yeah. If ... I don’t know, you ... you and Ryuzaki said that you thought that Kira was, was a kid and ... could you forgive him if he were? If he’d just ... made a mistake?”

For a little while, the Chief didn’t say anything. Matsuda waited, knowing that the Chief just needed to think about it, that he’d answer once he’d considered everything. He was desperate and trying to hide it. He needed to know – 

“No,” the Chief said.

“N-no?”

“No. Not now. Not after everything. Kira’s killed thousands of people, Matsuda. Thousands. Perhaps at the start, if we’d been able to catch him ... but it’s different now.”

Matsuda felt his insides go cold. He’d known really. The Chief believed in justice. The Chief knew what Kira had done. He’d never forgive Kira, never show mercy, even if it was his own son.

Matsuda would have to do something different.

He helped the Chief pick out lunch for everybody, only pausing to buy one little extra. They took the food back, sat down to eat. He got the feeling that they’d been talking about him behind his back because Ide moved to sit next to him and spent the rest of the day encouraging him. Matsuda supposed that the past him wouldn’t have realised that this was Ide worrying but he’d seen it enough now to know. It was kind. Ide was kind, in his moody sort of way. He’d tried to take care of Matsuda after everything, always. In the early days when Matsuda had been more depressed, he’d seen how worried Ide had been about him. It had made him angry at the time but he looked back now and thought about how stressed it had made Ide, how stressed Ide was _now_ (or then? Time travel was weird.) ... it would be better if that didn’t happen, wouldn’t it? For everyone.

He just had to do it. He had to make Light _listen_.

When the day was over, he lingered deliberately, messing around with his computer. Aizawa left immediately, wanting to get back to the family, just like he always had. The Chief wasn’t far behind, though he stopped to talk to Light first. Ide paused, looking at Matsuda.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I’m ... just got something to say to Light.”

“Okay. Well ... cheer up, okay? You need to get a grip.”

Matsuda smiled at him. He wasn’t sure it was quite the right sort of smile but it was obviously good enough for Ide because he smiled back, gently swatted Matsuda’s shoulder, then walked away. Mogi followed and Matsuda took a deep breath and stood up.

“Still here?” Light said, smiling warmly at him.

“Yeah,” Matsuda said. “Misa ... Misa’s not due back, right?”

“No, she’s shooting her commercial for that makeup. How did you forget, you were the one who kept going on about it yesterday!”

Oh yes, the commercial. He remembered that commercial now. They’d played it a lot after Misa’s suicide.

He swallowed. He clenched his fists.

“Oh, yeah. That. So, is Ryuk with her? I never quite got that. Does he stay with you?”

“Sorry?”

Light looked blank. It was pretty convincing. Matsuda supposed that if he didn’t know, he wouldn’t have even noticed.

“Ryuk. You know. Your Shinigami that loves apples. I bought him one when your Dad and I went shopping. If he’s here, can I see him? You could touch me with that bit of paper you keep in your watch.”

There was something faintly satisfying about seeing the normally completely composed Light Yagami look genuinely shocked. Matsuda almost wanted to laugh except that he felt completely terrified. To try and keep himself calm, he took the apple out of his pocket and put it on the table.

“I know, Light. I know you’re Kira. Please let’s ... we need to talk.”

Light stared at him for a moment that seemed to stretch out for hours. Then he lifted his hand, pulling at his watch three times, all the while keeping his eyes fixed on Matsuda’s face. Slowly, he lifted the little bit of paper up and held it out towards Matsuda. Matsuda took it, squeezing it between his fingers.

Ryuk was laughing. He appeared out of nothing, hovering behind Light’s head. Then he dipped down, snatching the apple up, crunching it swiftly between the huge teeth.

“Nice,” he said. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Matsuda said. “So ... you don’t have to follow Misa? Or is it Light that owns the notebook? I know there’s more than one.”

“Technically, I should follow Misa but I can stay with the notebook and you guys are more fun to watch,” Ryuk said. He seemed amused, which Matsuda wasn’t surprised by. Ryuk had always enjoyed watching them, found them funny.

“How did you find out?” Light asked. He sounded quite calm and his face was back to its normal expression again though Matsuda could see that his lips were pressed together tightly and his eyes were slightly narrowed. He thought Matsuda was a threat. Which Matsuda kind of was.

He crumpled the bit of notebook that Light had given him in his hand.

“You told me,” he said. “I mean, you didn’t want to, exactly. We caught you. All of us. And you tried to kill us and ... sorry, I’m ... doing this wrong.”

“Start from the beginning,” Light suggested. He was watching Matsuda warily and Matsuda felt almost guilty knowing that he was freaking Light out. Even though it was stupid, even though Light might try to kill him ... only he wouldn’t, would he? Light wouldn’t. 

Even though he had that time. But that had been different. That had been after everything.

“I’ve come back in time,” he said. “I know, I _know_ that sounds crazy, it feels crazy but it’s real, I went to bed and it was 2012 and then I woke up and now it’s 2008 and you’re here, you’re ... you’re not dead because you _die_ , Light. Because you’re Kira and we catch you and ... and you _die_ and your Dad dies and it’s awful and ... and I don’t know why I’m back here or how but it’s happened and it’s real.”

Light had paled slightly. He stared at Matsuda for a moment, then looked at Ryuk.

“Is that possible?” 

“Maybe,” Ryuk said cheerfully. “It’s not a Shinigami thing but there’s a lot of things that can happen in the world. If Matsuda here says it happened, I guess it happened. I mean, I don’t know how _else_ he’d have figured it out!”

Matsuda swallowed, hating that a Shinigami could make him feel so stupid. He looked at Light instead.

“It’s true. I don’t know how. But I’m here and ... and we can change it. Light, you have to give up the Death Note! You have to stop being Kira. Your Dad, he ... if you just give up the notebooks to Ryuk, Ryuk can go and take one of them back to ... to the weird Shinigami and we don’t have to ... you’ll lose your memories and it’ll be fine.”

Light was staring at him. He shook his head slightly.

“Matsuda, you’re going too fast for me. I don’t really understand. You said that my father dies?”

Matsuda swallowed.

“I ... it’s in ... it’s next year. This ... L has successors, these guys that are looking into you and ... one of them, Mello, he gets hold of the notebook that we have here, through your Dad, he takes Sayu hostage and demands a trade and she gets really sick afterwards and ... it’s awful. And we ... you decided to get it back by contacting us as Kira and sending us Ryuk and ... your Dad did the Trade for the eyes and we had to break into this Mafia hideout and he got shot and died and ...”

He hated that he was tearing up a bit, hated that he looked pathetic. The only comfort was that Light looked horrified. He was swallowing slightly, shaking his head. That had to prove he was different, right? He cared about his father. He cared about what had happened ...

“L has successors?”

“I ... yeah, but ... it doesn’t matter! Your Dad _died_ and we can change that, we have to, you ... Near _catches_ you, Light, he tricks you and he gets you and you try to kill _all_ of us, you try to kill us and you don’t have to, you don’t have to, we can change it!”

“Okay,” Light said quietly. “Okay, Matsuda, you’re right, we can change it. I want to change it too.”

“So ... so you ... you’ll give it up?”

“Matsuda ... you said I’m dead too? So there is no Kira?”

“Y-yeah. Misa loses her memories and Takada dies and ... and we arrest your ... you get this guy, Mikami, to be Kira. He’s dead too. We burn the notebooks.”

“Okay. And tell me, Matsuda. What’s the world like now?”

Matsuda’s stomach went cold. He turned away without meaning to, staring at the wall. He didn’t want to talk about that. He didn’t want to think about that. Why did Light always have to ask questions?

“Matsuda.”

Light took a step towards him, put his hand on Matsuda’s arm. Matsuda supposed he ought to pull away but he couldn’t make himself do it.

“Please,” Light said. “Tell me. What’s your world like now?”

“I ... i-it’s fine, it ... it’s fine.”

“Is it? Don’t lie to me, Matsuda, please. Tell me. Help me.”

“Crime ... crime rate is up, yeah, it ... it’s not so .. but we’re getting it back, it’s _fine_ , it _is_ ... ”

“Is it, Matsuda? Really? You don’t sound like you really believe it.”

Light’s voice was soft. He was rubbing Matsuda’s arm slightly as he spoke. Matsuda found himself leaning towards the touch a little. He liked it when people touched him. He liked it when Light touched him. Oh God, he needed to get a grip, he needed to focus because if he didn’t, he’d ruin everything but – 

“Matsuda, do you think that I’m evil?”

“No! No, never! Never!”

He looked at Light and Light smiled at him.

“I didn’t think you did. I know you, Matsuda. You _know_ that I want to do the right thing. You know how much this means or you would have come in today and done this in front of the others. Or you would have killed me straight away.”

It was so close to what Matsuda had thought himself that it made him shudder. Light’s hand pressed tighter against his arm.

“Matsuda. We don’t know why you’re back here but there has to be a reason, doesn’t there? Are you sure, are you really sure that the reason is to try and stop me? Is that really the right thing?”

Oh God. Oh God, he didn’t want to talk about this, he didn’t want to think, he didn’t _know_ , why did people always have to ask him things that he didn’t _know?_

“Your Dad _died_ ,” he whispered.

“We can change that.”

Oh God. Oh God, he wanted to change that. He wanted to make it better. He wanted to make everything better. What should he do?

“Matsuda. Please. Please. I want to change things. I know you can help me. We can change the world together, we can ... if you help me?”

“Light, I can’t. I can’t, please don’t ask me, please, we can’t ... you just ... your father ... ”

“We can save him. Protect him. You can help me explain to him. I’m not alone now, am I? Not if I have you.”

Light smiled at him. His smile was kind, gentle. It was the kind of smile that Matsuda had always wanted to see from him. The kind he’d missed after – 

“Don’t,” he whispered. “Don’t Light, stop it, don’t do this to me. You can’t, you can’t make me ... ”

“You’re right, I can’t make you. I’m not going to make you. I don’t want to force you to do anything. I’m asking you, though. I’m asking you to help me, to help the _world._ ”

“If ... if I don’t ... you’ll kill me. Won’t you?”

“No. No, Matsuda, I won’t do that. I promise. Whatever happens here, I won’t kill you.”

“You tried though. Before, you – ”

“No. _He_ tried. Matsuda, I’m not that man. I’m never going to become that man. I want you to help me make sure that never happens to me. I want to help people. I’ve only done all of this to help people, to make the world better and I want you to be with me when I do it. Please. Please help me.”

He was stroking Matsuda’s arm again. His fingers were warm. Matsuda wanted to believe him. He wanted to believe it more than anything in the world.

“The others – ”

“We can make them see sense. Trust me.”

Matsuda closed his eyes. He didn’t know what to say. What to do. He wasn’t any good at this. He wasn’t any good at anything and Light was right there and everything was so awful.

“Trust me,” Light whispered again and then he kissed Matsuda, very gently on the mouth.

Matsuda knew that he should stop it. He should say no, push Light away, remember what Light had tried to do to him, to them all. What Light had already done.

But Light. Light was kissing him. And his mouth was warm and gentle and Matsuda hadn’t been kissed in ages and Light was moving back a little now, looking almost uncertain and Matsuda didn’t want it to stop, he didn’t want to talk any more or think or hurt and he grabbed Light’s arms and kissed him, almost desperately. Light gave a little sigh, leaned into him and Matsuda knew that it was all wrong but right then, he just couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Help me,” Light breathed into his mouth, one hand tangled in Matsuda’s hair, the other under his shirt, on his skin and distantly, almost as though it was someone else saying, Matsuda heard himself say “Yes.”

There wasn’t time for any more talking after that. Just Light’s mouth and his fingers and his body moving against Matsuda’s, reacting to Matsuda’s clumsy touches. Sweat and gasps and clinging so tightly that they could almost just have been one being and Matsuda, Matsuda wanting so much and feeling it could never be enough.

*

Light lay awake, staring at the ceiling.

Matsuda was curled up next to him, at least half-asleep though Light wasn’t sure he was completely out. Matsuda was clearly still wary of him, which made sense. Even Matsuda wasn’t such a fool as to trust Kira straight away.

It irritated Light that he didn’t know what had happened. That Matsuda couldn’t explain it and that Ryuk couldn’t or _wouldn’t_ explain it. This had to be more than chance, didn’t it? It had to be a message from something, somewhere that wanted him to succeed. It could have been anybody but no, it was Matsuda, the one taskforce member with enough sympathy that he could be used.

Matsuda shifted, made a soft whimpering noise. Light leaned down, gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. Matsuda lifted his head a little. His eyelids were heavy but he was obviously not relaxed enough to sleep yet.

“Light ... promise you won’t kill them. Please.”

He probably meant the Taskforce. Light didn’t really care either way, he wasn’t going to ask for details.

“Matsuda, I can’t promise that. I don’t know what will happen. Neither do you. But I promise you that if you trust me, we can do our best. You just have to trust me.”

Matsuda shivered. Light ran his fingers lightly through his hair, down his neck. Matsuda liked to be touched, that was clear. Useful too. He could use it to distract, if he needed to.

“I’m scared,” Matsuda whispered.

“I know you are. Of course you are. You’ve travelled in time, Matsuda, and from a future that sounds as if it was highly unpleasant. I can’t think of anything more frightening. But you’ve also got a chance to make a difference, an incredible difference. You get to change the world. You get to change the world with _me_.”

It was the right thing to say. Matsuda’s expression changed from sleepy fear to sharp with hope. Light leaned down and kissed him again; a long, slow kiss that Matsuda first returned with passion, then with a slower, heavier drowsiness. When Light pushed him back down to the pillows, Matsuda’s eyes finally closed properly and within moments, he was asleep. Light lay beside him for a little while, only moving when he was absolutely sure Matsuda’s sleep was deep enough that he wouldn’t stir.

He left the bedroom, stretching slightly as he did. The sex had been a pleasant enough necessity but it had been hard to focus on when there were so many questions in his mind. He would rather have made Matsuda sit with him, explain everything in detail, get all the information – but it hadn’t been the moment.

“Ryuk?”

For once, the Shinigami hadn’t followed him to watch, which was a bit of a relief. Light didn’t particularly care if Ryuk watched him doing almost anything at this stage but he had a feeling Matsuda would have minded quite a lot and they didn’t need to distress him any more.

“Uh huh?” Ryuk was hanging upside down in the air. He looked down at Light and Light looked up at him.

“Do you _really_ not know what’s happening or was that for Matsuda’s benefit?”

“Really don’t know. If I did, I wouldn’t keep it secret just for _your_ benefit, you know.”

“No, I suppose not. Well then, I’ll just have to work with what I have.”

It wasn’t much, not yet. Matsuda was clearly too distressed to explain properly right now but Light knew that he could work on that. Soon, he’d have every detail that he needed. Whatever mistakes some strange future version of himself had made, he could avoid them. Whatever successors L had left behind, he could deal with them before they ever became a threat – perhaps if Matsuda had seen their faces, learned their names, he could write them down himself. Light would have to be careful though. Matsuda’s loyalties were conflicted. He would have to try not to push him too fast. But a little cosseting and affection and he was pretty sure that he could win the man round completely.

He had to bite back a laugh of glee. Perhaps there really _was_ something out there watching out for him. For him to have apparently _lost_ (unthinkable!) and for a Matsuda that had witnessed that to come back? For it to be _Matsuda_ , the only one who could be relied upon to weaken beneath pressure?

He would not lose. He would _never_ lose.

Kira would rule the world as he always should have done. And what future Matsuda had seen would be wiped out as though it had never been.

He had won.


End file.
